Monday, June 12, 2023
Eulogy for Josephine Avella
My mother was a strong woman with perseverance, determination and a belief that all would work out in the end despite all odds. She was a caretaker and a peacemaker.
She was born on Nov 13, 1923 to Italian parents, an immigrant father and first generation mother. She was the middle child of five siblings and the only girl. Her mother died when she was 10 years old leaving her with an alcoholic father. Life was not easy. She developed a special devotion to the Blessed Mother who stepped in as her surrogate mother. She was the caretaker for her five year old brother, Nelson. She and Uncle Nelson formed a very special lifelong bond in an adverse environment. Ultimately they were sent to an orphanage where their job was to dig in the soil for potatoes. For the rest of her life she hated to put her hands in dirt. In those days education for women was not valued and eventually she was forced to leave high school before graduating. This was a terrible blow to her. She then went to live with a family whom her father paid to care for her. There her caretaking instincts kicked in when a new baby was born and she cared for him until he started to call her mama. Then the biological mama took him back!
In her late teens she met my father at the chicken market. My father bribed Uncle Nelson to divulge her name for the price of a rabbit’s foot! Daddy had to pass a test however. Did he drink? The answer was no. She waited for him for 4 years during WWII while he served in Europe and invaded Normandy on D-Day. They married in 1946. She went on to have three wonderful daughters and sons-in-law, six grandchildren, and nine great grandchildren all of whom were devoted to her and doted on her.
People just loved my mother. They immediately sensed her genuine kindness, thoughtfulness, warmth, giving and forgiving nature. I remember my frustration at her forgiveness of people who had been mean to her or who had taken advantage of her. She would say “Don’t be like that”. We did not have much money but my mother was always there to lend a helping hand. She would give you the shirt off her back and sometimes off ours. In one instance Phyllis and Mom were shopping for a dress. There was only one and another woman wanted it for her child. My mom had it in her hand but gave it to the other mother much to Phyllis’ chagrin. In high school there was a program that mom wanted to attend but she would have had to commit to the full two years. My mom suspected that her father might remove her from school and so declined the offer so that another girl could have the opportunity.
My mom was a caretaker. She cared for us, Uncle Nelson, Mom, Aunt Jay, her father, David, James and Natalie. Children were her joy. Family was her priority. Through her support and example, she was instrumental in our success in our careers and as people. I recall her cool hand stroking my forehead when I had a fever as a child. She traveled out to Long Island on the LIRR to care for Natalie and made sure to attend all performances and class events. She flew down to Georgia whenever Phyllis and Mark had to leave town. She regularly mailed care packages to me in Baltimore during medical school. And when I was crying with stress, she always had time to listen. She fed and cared for Richard when he was pursuing his PhD and Mark when he was studying for his CPA. We could all go to her for advice and comfort. Sara says “On Saturdays or Sundays, I would go to Queens to visit her and even though she didn't care for it, she would watch football with me. She would make my favorites (chicken cutlets, mashed potatoes and broccoli) and always made extra so I had leftovers to take home. We would also get treats from the bakery. We had a great time. Grandma had a way of saying what you needed to hear - like, "when the time is right, it will happen," and said it with such certainty you couldn't help but believe it.” Ted and Chris wrote, “She was such a wonderful person and so very dedicated to her children. Your mom’s warmth, love of her husband and family and pride in her children’s and grandchildren’s accomplishments will forever be a part of her legacy. I can still hear her delightful laugh which was so contagious. We loved her.” Susan wrote: “When I first came into the family, your mother was the sweetest person to me and was happy for Joe to have found love with me.” “Warm and caring” is a recurrent theme in people’s remembrance of my mom.
Mom was a peacemaker. She did not like conflict. She encouraged family communication and keeping in touch. She never missed an opportunity to send a card or greeting for special occasions. She made it a point to call periodically to check up on people. Michael A. says “She was always so good to both Amy and I. Always made it a point to get a card in the mail for birthdays even when she relocated to Georgia and was having trouble with her eyesight. Brings back memories to when my parents would drive us to Ozone Park. Your mom would put out baked cookies (your dad would let us pick figs off his trees), as we watched the older generation bicker about while playing cards. With a smile on her face, it was your mom who would be the only one not taking part in the bickering! I will never forget how sweet of a great Aunt she was.” John A. says, “I will never forget all of the good times we had over the years. She also never forgot to call or send cards.” It was sad for her and us that her commitment to communication was hampered by her progressive loss of vision and hearing.
Can we have a eulogy for an Italian woman without mentioning food? She was an exceptional cook. Holidays were a bonanza of delicious dishes with a Viennese table to finish the meal. I remember the home jarred tomatoes that made the most delicious tomato sauce and the fig jam made from the homegrown figs. As another friend says, “She was one of the BEST cooks I ever knew. All those delicious Sunday dinners in Ozone Park, simply unforgettable!”
Mom was strong. She was not to be daunted by pain or fear. In her 50’s she returned to school and got her GED. She was so proud of that. We were too. At age 70 she road a horse for the first time. Little Italian girls born in 1923 did not ride horses! She did it at age 70 and with the pain of spinal stenosis. In rehab at age 99 she amazed everyone with her determination and fortitude and her speed of recovery. She lived her words “You’re an AmeriCAN, not an AmeriCAN’T.
She was wise and perceptive. You could not get anything past her. I suppose it taught us to be truthful because we were not going to get away with lying anyway. When her grandson James was staying with my parents for the summer, he returned from a trip to the city inebriated. The wall was holding him up. She asked him if he had been drinking. When he laughingly denied it, she tapped his face and said “don’t you lie to me”. She could also stop you in your tracks with just one look.
She enjoyed Dean Martin, reading, learning, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. She was outstanding at Scrabble and Bananagrams. When her vision failed due to macular degeneration she persisted in playing, using a magnifying glass. You can see examples of the Bananagrams that she did just last summer in the pictures. She was amazing.
Just one thing you could not do with my mother. You could not touch her helmet head. She had her hair done like clockwork every week. She would return home and spray another ½ bottle of hairspray on it so that it would not move or look messed for the next week. She was very particular about her appearance. She was a beautiful person inside and out.
My friend wrote,” My mother always remarked that your mom “is such a nice person” and as you know my mother did not give out compliments too often but she always had a kind word for your mom. I think when she gets to heaven God will tell your mom “please go talk to Rose, she’s complaining again.”
Our loss is heaven’s gain.
The world is a better place for having had my mother in it.
Thank you, Mommy. We love you to the moon and back
Love,
Jane and your entire family
